#eatingdisorderrecovery

~Today's snack: mango!

My mother took a chunk of it before I cut them into pieces and called me greedy/selfish when I showed signs of refusing to share it with her. I felt like flipping everything and just throwing it away. But I didn't. It doesn't matter, if she calls me greedy or anything. It might "fuel" my eating disorder (and by might I mean it actually really did ;___;) but I won't let it stop /me/.
MAN-GO!

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#transformation post I guess
I've struggled with #anorexia #bulimia & #OCD since I was 15... I'm almost 27 now; on 11/01/17 I collapsed due to complications & honestly thought that I was going to die very soon, & what doctors told me in the hospital confirmed that this was true. long story short -- I left inpatient treatment way too soon, & then was kicked out of PHP. luckily I was referred me to a therapist who was willing & able to work with "hopeless cases". once I got to a place where I honestly was nutritionally stable, I got myself back in the gym & finding my #passion in #weightlifting again has been the number one thing that's motivated me to stay in #recovery & also has been helping me continue to steadily put on #weight.

on the left, 2015: #bodybuilding, still bulimic but otherwise in pseudo-recovery (not really committed to it but physically #healthy at the time)

in the middle, 2017: completely #relapsed, all I see when I look back on this time is extreme physical suffering, isolation, #depression, hopelessness, resigned to the belief that I was going to die from this

on the right, this week: almost 4 months into recovery.. I'll admit that I was not committed 100% in the beginning, I was terrified & didn't think I could ever get free. the thoughts are still there and strong as ever but it is getting easier & I actually have #hope that I can do it this time. .
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#edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #ed #weightgain #bulking #weightlifting #gains #macros #iifym #freedom #hardwork #chooselife #truth #light #inspiration #me

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Recovery from an eating disorder may be the hardest things you ever have to do. One minute you're fighting for your life & determined to beat your illness. The next you find yourself skipping meals, exercising & praying you'll lose weight.
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Anorexia is a hateful illness. There's not many illnesses that convince you that it's better to stay ill, perhaps even die & that's okay. But that's the problem with recovery - the complete ambivalence towards your health & life.
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BUT the battle is worth investing every single bit of energy that you have within you. Find that inner strength & determination that helped you to become ill in the first place & turn it around & use those same traits to help you recover. Challenge the anorexia. Fight back. Listen to your doctors & therapists. Trust your loved ones.
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Imagine a life where you smell cookies baking in the oven & when they come out you reach for one, then another without a second thought. You enjoy every single crumb without any guilt, behaviours or self berating.
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Imagine your friends inviting you out spontaneously for a meal & you say yes because it'll be fun. You don't need to make excuses, check the menu in advance, pick the lowest calorie option or pull out at the last minute. Not only do you go, you have a great time & tuck into dessert along with everyone else.
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Imagine going clothes shopping & not tearing everything off in the changing rooms in floods of tears because you can't stand the image staring back at you. You see something you like & you buy it. You can't wait to wear it & show it off.
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Imagine a life where your diary wasn't limited to appointments with your GP, therapist, psychiatrist & blood tests. Suddenly it's full of work, studying, family stuff, hobbies, friends, nights out & so much more.
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Imagine a life where you woke up in the morning & didn't immediately rush to weigh yourself, exercise, agonise over yesterday's intake, plan today's intake down to the last measly calorie & obsess about your weight. Instead, you wake up, have a cup of tea and a shower, get dressed & head off to do whatever you have planned that day. Happy.
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Recovery is challenging but also so worth it ✨💖💫
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Hey 🙋🏽
Den Riegel hab ich mir heute als Zwischenmahlzeit gekauft und er war ganz okay 😇 Die Protein Bowl, die ich noch gekauft habe, hab ich heute Abend mal ausprobiert, aber die war nicht so geil 😂 Da war Hanfprotein drin und irgendwie hat das so nach Moos und Grünzeug geschmeckt - echt nicht so toll 😅
TW!
Mein Bewegungsdrang ist heute voll mit mir durchgegangen 🙇🏽‍♀️ Ich werde jetzt nicht schreiben wie viel ich mich bewegt habe und was es an Sport war, aber ich weiß nicht, ob ich dafür heute genug gegessen habe/konnte.. 🏊🏽‍♀️
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#ed #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #recovery #recovering #ana #anarecovery #anorexia #anorexianervosa #mentalhealth #mentalillness #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworth #strongnotskinny #healthy #food #inpatient #klinik

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Did you know eating disorders are considered the deadliest mental health condition we can #suffer from in the US? Anorexia in particular has an alarmingly high mortality rate, which often goes overlooked in conversations that focus on body image alone. Did you also know that there's a significant link between experiencing sexual violence and developing an eating disorder? I didn't. I just knew that I had to find a way to cope with what happened to my body, and talking about it wasn't an option. Not at first. Not for me. So I gained a bunch of weight. And I lost a bunch of weight. And I turned my body inside out trying not to feel. It wasn't until much later that I learned how many other guys and girls cope with trauma in the very same way, and I began to put the pieces together enough to get help. With the rise of movements like #MeToo and #TimesUp, we're seeing more survivors of sexual assault and abuse come forward to tell their stories, and hopefully this means more of us can get help and learn to let go of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed to survive, to get us to here. Now, be sure to hear me on this, dear one. I'm not criticizing us. We did good. We're scrappy. We did what we had to do to get through it, breath by breath. But darling, once you are able to find your voice, I think you'll also find that this disorder isn't serving you anymore. When you're ready to let it go, I know some people who can help. Follow @neda and #nedawareness for resources and info in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week next week. 💕 #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #letsgetreal #rethinkchurch #lentphotoaday #recovery

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Relax folks, I'm not posting a young, skinny Victoria Secret model in this pic triptych because I want to attract young male followers with blue balls. I'm taking this weekend hiatus from the story to reflect on pop culture's negative effect on people struggling with eating disorders--a subject I've brooded over all my life and have become increasingly preoccupied with since I joined Instagram. I will begin by saying I have never thought pop culture causes eating disorders--the roots are usually much deeper and in each person's history.But I do think what young people see does help trigger an unhealthy quest for a "perfect" unattainable body type, especially when everyone is inundated with such images on a daily basis. I used to shop in Victoria Secret stores like most guys--through the eyes of the male gaze. "hmm she's hot." Now when I'm in there, I can't help but think of the hundreds of young girls on Instagram who post pictures of girls similar to the one above and write, " I need to fast today to get my body like this." It breaks my heart to read their posts. Of course we know bodies like the girl's above are not the norm and we have no idea what she does to achieve it and how much airbrushing is involved. I don't know how young women deal with the overwhelming amount of images telling them they need to be skinny--Hollywood with its parade of underfed actresses is equally complicit in the dangerous deception that promotes deeper self loathing and a desperation to achieve unattainable standards. For men, the signals are less omnipresent But still dangerous. I call them part of the Chris Pratt syndrome. As you see in pic two Pratt started out as a schlubby guy who played the humorous sidekick role.He was the average Joe.That was the place for chubby men. Once he got ripped, he got roles of men fucking Jennifer Lawrence in space and doing action heroics. The message was clear. Ripped Chris: good. Fatty Chris: dull and average. Be ripped or be invisible. Not a healthy model. In fact, I think most signals about body image in pop culture are unhealthy. We must do better #edrecovery #bodyimage #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #callmeanorexic #anarecovery

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2 4 . 0 2 . 1 8 / / 0 5 . 5 3 p m
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started to create distance from every responsibility just so I could focus on surviving through the day - I’ve been insanely sick 🤒 and depressed (since my meds were cut down) for the last few days but I think it’s time to start clawing myself back again otherwise it’s just going to get worse. •
my bean has been taking amazing care of whiny crying 😢 ass and today made me a completely new dinner to me!! they made eggs 🍳 in purgatory with garlic, tomatoes 🍅 mushrooms 🍄 and onion with garlic coriander naan bread 🍞 that we got on reduced 🙌
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also did design a website for my recipes and adventures and advice - it’s more of a project for myself to motivate me but if you’re interested here’s the link: https://soyabeancafe.wordpress.com
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#anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #miarecovery #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #edwarrior #recovery #recoveryrecord #vegetarian #food #foodblogger

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Survived brunch this morning. ☺️Almost ate the entire thing! ‼️TRIGGER WARNING: negativity!!!‼️
My mom left today and I already miss her so much. It was so much easier to eat when she was here, and now that I’m alone I can feel all the weight I’ve gained. I’ve gained so much weight in the past month. I know I was supposed to, but it’s still hard to accept. My clothes are fitting differently and I just feel heavier ... like a giant blob. I also wasn’t forcing myself to excessively over-exercise this week like I usually do. That’s probably another reason I feel so gross. I have 6 more weeks of school. 6 more weeks of being completely alone and miserable. It’s going to be really hard to get through the next couple of months ... I hope I can do it. I think I enjoy my program, but i just wish I had a friend or something. It’s hard to always be so alone. That is something my eating disorder ruined for me. I wasn’t able to have a real social life for the past seven years. Now I don’t even know how to make friends... #edrecovery #anawarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery

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I couldn’t stay away from baking for long of course 🙈 I made Honey & Pecan granola and Apple, Cinnamon Banana bread👩🏼‍🍳 All one handed as my thumb is still injured ☹️ Silly me.

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Snacked on some pitta and hummus, as well as one of these gorgeous salted caramel macaroons @jcbs_slimmingworldjourney made 😍🤤.

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I'm so angry at my dad. 😤😤😤 he ate my ice cream that I bought for #pintparty
I figured out that I restrict those days that I don't workout. It's ed thoughts. I should work on these thoughts . But how I could fighting with this thought?? Any experience?
I also figured out when I think my parents are not happy with me I can't eat . Last night I had a big fight with my dad . He said I'm heathen. I don't believe in Islam and he doesn't know what he did wrong that deserve this heathen child . I don't believe in God but I'm a good girl I study I work I take care of my family and their health. I don't know why my dad is not happy with me. Just because I don't believe in God???? Does he prefer that I believe in God but be a stupid worthless unemployment girl??? I don't know #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #anarecovery #edrecovery #anorexiafighter #eatingdisorderfighter #anafighter #edfighter #anorexiasoldier #eatingdisorders #anasoldier #edsoldier #mm #anorexia #eatingdisorder

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Hello! So today I woke up at 10.30, did my morning routine and then we did some grocery shopping. After lunch my parents and I drove to Paris and walked a bit in the 16 arrondissement, and then we went to a mall we’ve never been in before and there was a fashion show thing there so it was quite cool to see 😊. Home alone this evening which is good 👍. Hope you had a good day 💕 #vegan #vegetarian #carbs #carbsarebae #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #anafighter #anawho #fuckana #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #edfamily #edfam #overexecise #overexercisingrecovery #overexercising #exercise #tca #spiseforstyrrelse.

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For all the times I spent purging in the bathroom, on a walk, in school. For all the times I clutched my stomach as starvation ate away my insides and laxatives poisoned my immune system. For the fainting, the endless lists of pointless counting, the hospital bills and admissions. I spent my entire childhood through young adulthood in an illness that clouded my judgement, stole my identity, and measured my worth as a human by acts and by numbers. It was a little over a year ago, when the doctor told me my kidneys were failing and I would die if I didn’t make a change, that I decided to really start fighting.
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Anorexia is a confusing illness that convinces you that you are in fact, not anorexic. You believe it most of the time and so dwell in a state of quasi-recovery. We all want recovery to be like a vacation brochure where one month away in treatment will be the magic cure. Attending treatment is disgustingly expensive, and most people do not have the means to get the help they need. There are moments of fixations lost, and behaviors lessened, while still others creep back. Even on the hardest days, there can be glimmers of light: a morning that you didn’t weigh yourself, an unplanned meal that feels okay, putting on jeans for the first time in months and not sobbing as you walk out the door. In recovery, you have two very opposing side that cry “how much longer must I endure this disorder?” and “how much longer will I be fat?” Much of what’s in between an eating disorder and full recovery feels artificial. Perhaps one day it will not feel forced, for that is the hope we all have in recovery.
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I am starting to feel OK. I am starting to let this all go. I threw away my scale and I haven’t looked back since. It feels like what happened was all a bad dream, it feels the furthest from me it’s ever been. I still have parts to work on. I still have health problems that will follow me to my grave. Recovery is lifelong. But for the first time I am actively in it, living it, breathing it.

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that cake was gr8
but not as gr8 as this lot
the thing i love about my friends
is that despite us all
going through different shit
when we're together
we can momentarily forget
and make eachother laugh
and that to me
means the world
<3
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#edfighter #edwarrior #strongnotskinny #boobsnotbones #nourishnotpunish #ed #aesthetic #anafighter #anawarrior #recovery #recovering #eatingdisorderrecovery #anarecovery #cake #operationnotgiveafuck #edrecovery #recoverywin

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Classic costa dates✨
It’s been a bit of an up and down day, my mood seems to go from 0-100 so fast, one moment I’ll be positively optimistic and the next overwhelmed and upset. It’s the most frustrating thing and something I’m trying so hard to combat. The smallest things will trigger me as well which isn’t at all helpful e.g parents forgetting to remind me about snacks. ———————————— But anorexia will look for triggers and if it can’t find one will create one to stop you from making the RIGHT choices and proper progress.
I know this and I’m learning to identify when this happens. It’s extremely difficult but that’s recovery and if it was easy I wouldn’t be doing it right.

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We're rooting for you, #recovery warriors! How are you practicing #selfcare today? 💚💙 #prorecovery #edwarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery

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