a bad girl’s guide to ~#wellness~ 🍓 nyc 🍒 twitter fb personal ig @ALIWEISS666 🍌


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#paleo girls be like THIS GUACAMOLE TASTES LIKE ICE CREAM I SWEAR 🤷🏻‍♀️ @dostoros


My man #ChuckPalahniuk says, “the most boring thing in the entire world is nudity; the second most boring thing is honesty.” Totally agree, but I would also argue that we’re the most honest, with ourselves and each other, when we’re naked, so I try to be fleshy as often as possible. Also, 4 days until spring. 🕊️🌏 #morningritual


You’ve asked so I’m answering:🍸Dry February🍸was a ROARING success. Learned a ton about myself. Here are some highlights.

I cannot handle hangovers like I used to anymore. Had a huge night out early this month, and the after-effects lasted 3 days. Who has TIME for that?! I ate like shit, didn’t exercise, checked off approx 1/8th of my to-do list, canceled plans, and thought about my life from an exclusively existential standpoint. Gross!

Alcohol has undoubtedly exacerbated my mental health struggles. I haven’t been totally alcohol-free for a whole month since…9th grade. (#NYCKID) It’s not like benders are a regular occurrence (she says somewhat regretfully), but when you’re social, you lose track of how much/often you’re actually drinking. 1 glass of wine with dinner here, 2 martinis on a date there, 3 margaritas at happy hour…it adds up before you reach 4 shots on Friday night. Forget the calories — although those are abominable — the issue is your brain not having a chance to ever fully “be.” Just a week into ditching the Devil’s Brew, I felt spiritually lighter than I had in ages… WITHOUT👏🏻ANY👏🏻#XANAX. Difficult not to get naturally crackhead-level high off that sense of relief alone.

It’s possible to go out on first dates sober; more fun, even. You’re forced to suck up any insecurity. No need to worry about revealing too much, or waking up the next morning wondering what the hell you even said. Parties are better, too. You have legit conversations, realize how DUMB drunk people are, and get 8 hours of sleep.

Look: drinking is fun. Celebrating the ups and downs of life is my favorite pastime, and sometimes, nothing quite says YEEHAW like booze, you know? No fucking way am I staying dry for eternity. But your body and mind are worth top-shelf alcohol, cocktails instead of shots, and going home when the clock strikes 2 instead of 4. #balance! Now enjoy this picture of me partying my WASTEDDDD ass off at @houseofyesnyc!! 🍾 #tbt



Behold MY version of #athleisure...🤣 As cute as everyone looks in their 2 piece sets, branded sweats, and limited edition drops, coordination in my outfits— or while doing, like, dance cardio— is just NOT my thing, ya know? I prefer my personal ~aesthetic~ to be a little less “done.” Plus that way I can spend $300 on dating app subscriptions and a ringlight, not a damn sports bra. O and guess what...I ended up MATCHING @azionepr’s showroom in this shit, so I must be doing something right heyyyooo #zany #eccentric #troubledartist #debatablylivesinanattic


I’ve been a Lohan-level emotional rollercoaster hot mess after my last post- the outpouring of love, support, and understanding was beyond anything of my wildest dreams. Still writing a proper response in my head. •
I’ve cried a lot, and since all of y’all wellness freaks here seem to be obsessed with “#balance,” it’s time to LAUGH. ✨WEIRD SNACK REVIEWS✨ #2: Nikki’s “Vanilla Cake Batter” Coconut Butter, which tastes absolutely nothing like vanilla cake batter. *Does not recommend* *Throws out window* WHO LIKES MY BRITNEY IMPRESSION + special shoutout to @funky.larry tho- how you get your tour merch to gleam without KiraKira?! #vlogger #help


I’m kind of embarrassed writing this out. But I figure, in the midst of hundreds of angry memes about the patriarchy and Facetuned thirst trap selfies, everyone would appreciate something a bit softer for #InternationalWomensDay. Here it goes. •
Almost every week, I describe myself to my therapist as The Wheel of Fortune. I struggle daily with the idea that I have multiple shades and colors, that there is more than one “me.” I struggle to grasp how the hell it’s possible to be obsessed with my independence yet totally petrified of being alone. To not need relationships but really, really want them. To feel at peace only by myself in some foreign city, or when surrounded by 30 of my closest friends. For my biggest passions in life to be both hip-hop and theater, double cheeseburgers and protein bars, Italian cinema and Dave Chapelle, first edition books and going to the club. How I rely on humor to get me through, but detest that I’m now expected to be funny all the time. Most days, I don’t feel like a whole person without the proper attention; on others, I’d prefer no one get near me. I can never figure out what I want. •
Like a lot of women, I dislike the fact that I’m complicated. I worry that I’m intimidating, too “big,” too...much. It also doesn’t help that I’m 5’10 :) But every time I’ve tried to ~tone myself down~ I’ve felt like a fraud— and haven’t found HALF the amount of personal or professional success. Authenticity always wins, and you can smell it from miles away. •
I think this is the most “me” picture everrrr taken: pants off in the vintage Bee Gees shirt, looking strong, and sexy, and totally sad. I realize, today more than ever, that this is all okay. It’s HARD to be a woman! It’s hard to be yourself. It’s hard to acknowledge that not everyone is going to like you. And it’s really scary to live your emotional and creative truth when it seems most people would prefer you not. But nothing lifts women up like saying “I accept you for who you are,” and we can’t do that unless we accept ourselves. So, women I know and women I have yet to meet— I see you, I love you, I thank you. I am not me without you. 🍰🍓🍒👯 #35mm



✨WEIRD SNACK REVIEWS.✨ It needed to happen.
Review 1: 🍌banana milk🍌, available at @wholefoods if you hate your life! Anyone ever tried this sorcery?! What are your thoughts? Product requests? Should I show more skin? Sound off in the comments!!! #vlogger #haul #idkwhatimdoing


One best friend, an English domestic goddess, baked this outrageous #glutenfree flourless chocolate cake for another best friend, a Canadian country girl who refuses to wear anything but black. The third best friend, whose hair coincidentally matches the strawberries, is making us cry laughing showing us selfies from when she had Bell’s Palsy. (Can’t make that shit up.) The world is cruel but my heart is warm. Happy birthday, @jennadems- we ADORE you. 🍰💕#hoesoverbros #supportyourlocalgirlgang #seeimsoft!


Ladies, if you’re feeling heinous but don’t have a paper bag handy, putting a rubber peel-off mask over your face is apparently another, significantly less frugal, way to take yourself from a 6 to a SOLID 8.5! Can u believe!? Wowza!!! (I h8 myself) Refusing to remove your daily 3 coats of eyeliner also suggested for maximum results #committosomething #dedication #punk 🤘🏻@drhowardsobel



You know what they say- when you gotta go, you gotta go [to your therapist]. But if ur sliding into their DMs and thru their office doors more than once a week (throwback to me in ‘13), some, um, optimism about the impending improvement of your life tends to disappear as the days go on. The perpetually awful news and America’s highest-possible-key opioid crisis aren’t a tremendous source of encouragement either!!! So bbs, I bring you another collection of FUNKY ass #jams- riding the roaring success of the OG “Morning Walks 2 Shrink” collection- with appropriately melancholy/cracked out/otherworldly/generally bizarro undertones. Smash the 👆🏻link in bio👆🏻. Write in ur journal. Make out with ur crush (or a rando). Pet a dog. Eat ur vegetables. IT’S ALL GONNA BE OK


Behold, the face of someone who hasn’t sipped the Devil’s Brew (tequila) in almost a month!! 🤜🏻🤛🏻 It did, however, encounter a couple glasses of rosé and a sophisticated selection of Big Sean’s greatest hits last night...but thanks to a jumbo sized @evianwater+ @thebeautychef Glow Advanced powder, 2 servings of @seigoyokomine’s homemade veggie curry, and 3 HUGE stage lights, the boss ✨@claudialakemakeup✨ didn’t fire my swollen ass on the spot!! 🥂WORKING ON SUNDAY IS FUN how’s everyone’s #DryFebruary going tho?! #offthewagon #onthemoney #LiveYoung


Hey yeah so today baby girl was on her feet doing manual labor as a PA/creative director whatever rather than talent for 5👏🏻whole👏🏻hours and she is so EXHAUSTED that she devoured 5 slices of pizza in 13 minutes with the shades and ~pashmina~ on but it’s ok because it’s ✨CAULIFLOWER CRUST PIZZA✨! Mic check 1 2 I repeat, @marinarapizzanyc does FRESH #CAULIFLOWERPIZZA. #PALEO PIZZA. #GRAINFREE PIZZA. #GUILTFREE PIZZA. Catch you in the antacid aisle y’all. #peptobismol



Brigette (@hummusbirrrrrrrd), my NY-accented and dietary-restricted other half, invited me to be a part of her #paleo BBQ dinner party for ✨@THRILLIST!✨ I love having to prepare none of the food but all of the commentary! 🍗#thirstycomedian #LITERALLY BIG UPS @leekalpakis @jonnykapps 👆🏻full link in my bioooo👆🏻#Thrillist #30DollarDinnerParty


All these wellness bloggers constantly going OFF about “beauty from the inside out” and glowing from within and how fruit enzymes are as good for your skin as they are for your bowels and sh*t, so figured I’d try giving myself a facial in the middle of my afternoon papaya snack. 🎼: numba 1 zaddy @alanthechemist


✨Homemade @EATBYCHLOE #vegan mac n cheese!✨If you live in NYC, you know this stuff is ~literally #iconic~ and with a cashew/sweet potato base, it happens to be v easy for our lazy asses to make. ➡️ @coveteur has the recipe, and for the shiitake bacon too. (#shiitakebacon)

This is a GREAT thing to cook for your zaddy/sugar momma/papi/mami/bae/Tinder match/blow-up doll tomorrow; won’t leave you lactose-d out, croaking instead of cuddling, farting instead of getting freaky!!! 👅SWIPE 4 MORE #CHEFWEISS #ValentinesDay #foodporn



Just another Monday on the way to @wholefoods 💞 #freethenipple #freethegluten #offbrandBellaHadid


Another day, another deck, another...camel toe. 🙈 @outdoorvoices x @physique57 #DoingThings (Peep the P57 x MTK story tho👆🏻)


Rap game Ava Gardner! Spending the weekend at @gurneysmontauk with @wellthcollective & @physique57 pretending to tan, bonding with other empowered, self-made women, and...sweating. Ugh. So, I’m prepping my anxiety-ridden muscles for a series of absurdly difficult classes using my @wildflower_plantsheal CBD vape. Way chicer and WAY healthier than popping benzos if you ask me. Plus it makes a lightly-oiled egg white omelette taste a little bit better ;) MORE ON STORIES👆🏻 #PhysiqueInTheHamptons



Cauliflower👏🏻rice👏🏻sushi. #CAULIFLOWERRICE SUSHI. You heard me, son?! #PALEO motherf***ing SUSHI! #GRAINFREE SUSHI. Truffled avocado, spicy tuna, pickled radish, yellowtail, all that shit. Only at @bondisushi; better than Sugarfish. You heard it here first. Thank you and goodnight. 🤜🏻🤛🏻


On Friday night- or should I say Saturday morning- after a long[ggg] night of boozing, I had a humiliating emotional breakdown in the middle of @katzsdeli at 6am. I’m talking full-blown crying, screaming, verbally assaulting, and then attempting to seduce one of my dearest friends while pastrami dangled out the corner of my mouth and Russian dressing crusted underneath my fingernails. Pure sex and glamour, right? I don’t actually remember it happening. When I woke up the next morning, my bedroom and personal #aesthetic looked like something out of a Ke$ha music video BEFORE she was woke. It was the first time I had *that pit* in my stomach; that rock-bottom pit of, “oh my God, this is it...I need to stop drinking.” 🤷🏻‍♀️
NOT forever, obviously; I haven’t had those blackout breakdowns since 2014, when I lived in London and had my heart broken and was dating 8 people and 8 brands of whiskey to try to make it better. But I love nightlife- as we know- and I LOVE to have a good time- as we KNOW- and sometimes our self-care/awareness evaporates when we’re constantly too busy trying to “be young” or “lose ourselves in the beat” or “drink our guy friends under the table” or whatever. Clearly this was a sign that I have shit to deal with. So, #DryFebruary has commenced; today is Day 5. 🙍🏻
HOWEVER, Dry February doesn’t eliminate 🍁High February🍁! Y’all remember how obsessed I used to be with finding #naturaldrugs that work? The journey is beginning again. ^THIS BEVERAGE^ is a hemp milk #turmeric latte @rachellerobinett made for me 🌴✨FILLED WITH THE HIGHEST GRADE #CBD✨🌴. #Xanax w/o side effects, #meditation w/o effort. She has a whole witchy kitchen at @woomcenter where freaky intoxication is happening; go see her. Anyone else take a stab at temporary sobriety? #partygirlaskingforafriend


Boutta hop into a ❄️-250 DEGREE❄️ chamber y’all! No lie!! 600 calories BURNT in 3 minutes! Cellulite SMOOTHED! Weak immune systems STRENGTHENED!...because ur only other choice is to die I guess! Mildly terrified but they said they’ll blast Migos for me. Anyone else ever do #cryotherapy before? #ootd #deathbedswag @cryofuel


Does yoga, meditates, drinks green juice, practically drowns self in mineral water, eats overpriced superfood powders, avoids gluten and sugar, steams, saunas, jade rolls, foam rolls, talks to shrink, ignores fuckboys, realizes that the best beauty secret is literally just retouching. @jeiroh


#selfcare is IMPORTANT, and it’s a very personalized ritual. Like if, to you, that means spending your entire tax return on those Balenciaga sneakers that are deliberately designed to look HEINOUS, do it! If it means you enjoy binge-watching old episodes of Blues Clues, do ya thang!! If it means Irish exiting hcore on your family friends and job and resurfacing in a foreign country with a new alias, express yaself!!! And if it means rotting into your couch all day like an expired banana while eating half a dozen #bananamuffins...I’ve got the MOST BANGIN recipe to debunk all other bum-ass off-brand recipes, made with @kitehillfoods ridic new #dairyfree Greek-style yogurt.
-1.5 cups of @cup4cup flour (if u can handle a teensy bit of gluten, spelt is rly fab)
-1 tsp of baking powder + dash of salt
-1/2 cup of coconut sugar (or 1/4 cup coco + 1/4 cup crystal Erythritol, for even lower GI)
-2 teaspoons cinnamon+dash of cardamom
-2 VERY ripe, these-ain’t-cute-lookin bananas
-2 eggs -1/2 cup of @kitehillfoods unsweetened yogurt
-1/3 cup of unsweetened soy or almond milk
-Capful of vanilla extract
Preheat over to 350. Mix all the dry. Separately, mix all the wet. Pour the wet into the dry; fold together gently. Fill baking cups 3/4 of the way up with batter. Bake for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out of the center clean. Let cool for 5, then smear in jam and rub all over yourself. (ALSO FOR MORE KENDRICK+DRAKE SMASH ☝🏻LINK IN BIO!!☝🏻)


Ok, party girls (and boys); here are my best tips for when you simply CANNOT fathom sacrificing your social life but are actually trying to, like, be a functional and useful member of society during daylight hours?! ⚡️⚡️ 1. Insist the bartender pour your @perrier into a wine or champagne glass. Of course everyone’s going to know it’s not wine; it’s called METHOD ACTING, ok! 2. Give up cigs. Seriously. Nothing screams “neurotic mess” like your hair and #Verameat-ringed fingertips smelling like tobacco, and that’s ONLY glamorous if you’re brilliant or rich. Try @brownbearherbs; they’re a godsend for the sober!! If you’re rly desperate get a @juulvapor. And if your physical and mental health is THAT beyond repair, you can cover the carton with Sharpie (or newspaper clippings) and just lie to yourself. It worked for zaddy @petertunneyart ;) Thanks for a SICK night @cogentinfluence ⚡️#PeterTunney #UnderTheInfluence


Nothing bonds young women together like a weak-ass immune system, inability to eat the carbohydrate base of ANY worthwhile junk food, and borderline offensive lack of table manners. Missing my blonder, wiser half @tessward 👯🍰 #SQUADGOALS #FilthyHealthyCravings @girlboss


Suffering from #anxiety and #depression or just a series of sporadic #meltdowns?! Try my Zoloft [Replacing] Superfood Smoothie and reduce your risk of being institutionalized by approximately 75.4%!!! 💊FULL VERSION+RECIPE AT FACEBOOK.COM/ALIWEISS666💊#letyourfreakflagfly (p.s. do we LOVE this high-glycemic @proenzaschouler sweater tho)


This @pollynor tshirt is an EXTREMELY accurate depiction of me looking into the mirror every night, but eating at @inday_nyc helps protect me from my #discodevil demons...the bowl’s got slaw, curry chickpeas, salmon, charcoal eggplant, coconut tahini, raisins, pickled radish, and lentil crisps ⭐️ Have I earned my happy hour tho? #glutenfree #dairyfree #grainfree #swallowurkarma




^^ Me after approximately 4 minutes and 25 seconds of cardio. Depleted. Absolutely not having it. Wishing I was @ the club instead. But since burning calories on top of tables is mildly sociopathic Sunday-Wednesday, I made a #playlist of my ultimate 2am BANGERZ for the gym. It’ll get you to the doctor- recommended 30 minutes, or maybe more. (Warning: 100% explicit #hiphop ahead.) ⭐️🎧Follow the LINK IN BIO🎧⭐️ Happy #FunkyFriday kiddos! #GAINZ


Can we all take a moment to acknowledge that this #vegan grub from @seednola actually looks dank as hell?! And it WAS! Or maybe I just thought so because at that point I was literally burping up and sweating out butter and this meal may have saved me from premature death. Anyway. #plantbased for the win...sometimes. #whatthefuckwednesday #NOLA #bitchesbeglutenfree