18 | lowkey misanthrope | highkey aesthete | psychedelic princess at heart 🍄😇 | 💐🦉🍯| never forget your worth |
"Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves." - Lauren Eden // old selfie bc parasomnias have been killing me recently // lil life update ~ I'm going to be just as active as I was before on Instagram because it's something I enjoy so much, and I'm probs gonna be giving you guys some more life updates on my recovery and everything too ✌️💚I still have a lot to say but my mind feels a bit clouded because today has had its ups and downs.
"I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them."
Just wanted to say that I'm so thankful and overwhelmed at everyone who's reached out to me lately. I know I've been sending so many of you into a state of worry but I'm finally feeling free of anxiety and panic, and I can already feel my life getting so much better now I'm out of that abusive relationship.
I'm not going to be deleting my previous captions because I've been silent for so long and I'm hoping that if anyone else is in a similar situation to what I was in, hopefully you'll find the courage to speak up too.
Thank you 💛💚💙
Part 2. Not that that last one matters now, anyway.
I don't have anything left to live for. Everything I once valued is now broken beyond repair.
The love of my life doesn't even have the capacity, nor does he care, to convince me otherwise. He's shown me I clearly don't belong here. I don't want to live in a world where I'm continually told everything is my fault even when I've been trying my hardest to do something right.
If you read to the end of this, congrats. All I ask is that if you even suspect anyone you know is in trouble, be there for them.
I really didn't think I was going to wake up today and write this, but clearly life has a way of messing with you, doesn't it?
I watched 13 reasons why lately, and I completely stopped half way through because I thought Hannah was a complete bitch. I sat back and thought that Hannah must be the most selfish person alive to have made all those tapes and be blaming people for her death. But honestly, I get it now.
I really get it.
I've been in a messy relationship for over a year now, and it's funny because I'm the one who's been trying to save it. It's funny how when you're with someone who gaslights you, someone who calls you obscene names, manipulates you, threatens you with their life, the end of it all when he says sorry (only because you've asked), you actually believe things can be okay.
And to be honest, things actually have been okay recently. I was severely depressed a few months ago because of the way my boyfriend treated me, but we'd been so happy together lately.
However everything managed to just fuck to this afternoon all because of miscommunication, and honestly, I don't even give a shit anymore.
I've had people slandering my name, saying all kinds of disgusting things - that my family hate me, that I'm crazy, that I have some kind of deep dark secret (thanks Michelle, you really know how to make up a lot of unbelievable shit). The only "deep dark secret" I can think of is that I miscarried a few months ago and not even the father has the decency to offer me any comfort. His mother will probably continue to slander me even once I'm dead, even when she finds out I lost what would have been her grandchild.
I'm not ashamed to post any of this. Why should I keep quiet now when I have been in hell for so long. I have been trying so hard to put on a positive act for everyone around me, even though it's clear to me that I am never going to be good enough.
Everything about me has always been too much, especially for you Leo.
My anxiety is always going to be too much, the fact that I'm so quiet and strange is always going to be too much, the fact I have so much uncertainty for my own future is always going to be too much. Not that that last one matte
I'm afraid I'm going to go on a spamming spree because why not, I'm not going to be using Instagram anymore. I got this tiara at a fleamarket, initially to use at a photo shoot but I ended up being too embarrassed. I did have a good idea for it recently, to wear to a handfasting, but those plans have been irreparably dashed against the rocks.