I'm a deaf toothless earless cross-eyed half-blind senior lilac Siamese rescue in Beacon NY + I advocate for #specialneedscats + I ❤️ Daisy & tuna.
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tfw when you tell your special ladyfriend how much you love her and adore her and cherish her and worship her and would do anything for her and she’s all whatever and you tell her you’d even give her all your tuna and she says “phhbbt” and “i prefer chicken” and you realize that this woman you thought you knew is suddenly a stranger in a strange land. #iliveintheupsidedown #tunaisnotchicken #icanteatchicken #imallergictoit #truestory #imallergictoallpoultry #andpeastoo #whichisinalotofcatfood #weeatwysong #goodstuff #beefmostly #anywayidigress #myheartiswounded #ithasatunasizedhole #mygirlshedonemewrong #herwhiskergameisonpointtho #andthatlittlepinktongue #andhernosefreckles #andherbumeye #fromakittenhoodinjury #ohgodilovehersomuch #iloveherevenmorethanilovedougjoneswinninginalabama #iveneverbeentoalabama #ohwaitbeforeiforget #catswiththeirtonguesout #whiskerwednesday
tfw you realize you have nothing to say because your mind is blank and filled with a complete absence of anything even remotely interesting except for the occasional tumbleweed but they’re not really interesting are they no they’re just jumbles of dead twigs and leave a right mess once they tumble their way right out of your empty brainhole and oh god i did it again i meandered in my own mind and i have no idea what i’m talking about. p.s. l̶o̶b̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ tuna.
the numnut humans are all excited because it snowed here in new york and they think it looks pretty outside but have they ever walked barefoot in it when it’s damp and freezing and sleety and you’re late for school and it’s uphill both ways and the leather strap on your book satchel broke and you keep tripping in the wagon ruts from when pa brought the wheat to market? no they haven’t. no one has, what the hell am i even talking about? well snow or no snow, imma stay right here in my sea of crimson polyester as the humans listen to christmas music nonstop, i mean come on, a cat can only take so many burl ives recordings and jingle bells. and there sure ain’t any holiday songs about tuna. hmmmmm... (p.s. tuna.) #ilivewithnumnuts
“Winter: A Story in Three Parts”—in which I use my feline wiles to combine two stupendous sources of warmth (swipe left) into one cushy Daisy-shaped pillow of hot, hot heatness. And lo, Winter bowed her frost-tip’d wings at my feet and whispered, “Eduardo, you magnificent bastard, you’ve beaten me at my own game. I don’t know what that means, but I sure could go for a tunafish sandwich right about now. Shall we?” And lo, I looked at Winter from my perch at Daisy’s bum and laughed in her frozen face, because in that moment I knew I’d forsake tuna—tuna!—for my ladylove’s smokin’ hot badonkadonk. Fin.
you guys i just had the craziest dream! i dreamt that we were all together on a big giant boat in the ocean and in that ocean swam a bajillionty tuna fish and we were all flying through time and space and then daisy and i danced and dined on tuna and swam naked under the stars and... wait what? since when do cats “swim naked”? since when do we swim at all? and aren’t we always naked??? oh wait. no please don’t repor... #flagsasinappropriate #nsfw #nakedcats #randomcatdream #notweirdenough #needsmoreweed #orxanax
who needs ears when your whisker game is so on point you could detect a live tuna from 37 hectares away? which doesn’t make any sense since hectares refer to land and tuna swim in water and omg i really need to find something new to talk about. happy #caturday, bishes. don’t watch the news, lest you want your heart to break into a thousand shards of depression and sadness. ok yeah going back to tuna now.
baby it’s cold outside... baby please don’t go down to new orleans baby please don’t go... there is a house in new orleans they call the rising sun... come on up for the rising... movin’ on up to the east side... east side west side all around the town... uptown girl she’s been livin’ in her uptown world... livin’ la vida loca... oh god someone stop me no really i’m not singing a song now i need to get off this merrygoround and round the mulberry bush and we all fall down. OH THANK GOD.
HEY! it’s #flashbackfriday, and as a sequel to yesterday’s post, i’m asking you guys to consider donating some funds to @simba.our.hero. see, just over a year ago, i had major surgery—a double pinnaectomy, aka the removal of my ears. the cost was close to $5K, and my humans were terrified... until this community came together and pretty much saved my life. imagine that concern a hundredfold, for a cat who serves as a companion animal for a child with autism. he was hit by a car, which broke both of his legs and tore off the skin on his leg and paw. simba’s will to live is SO STRONG that he’s still here. the costs to save and rehab him are astronomical, but i know we can help. give his page a visit. in the name of special needs cats AND special needs humans, thank you thank you thank you. here’s part a condenses version of his story: . . .
Kian (11) was born premature & has heart, lung, immunodeficiency syndrome, bone & soft tissue complications & autism. From the moment I went home I chose him as my human. I quickly learnt when he was struggling to breathe even when asleep & would run & tell mum before he collapsed. I take him to bed every single night & tell him off if he has a late night, I stay with him til he falls asleep & if he wakes up I run and tell mum. Kian self harms and I lay on his head or put my paw on his hands to stop him—it works! Often Kian won't speak to anyone so I sit with him so he isn't lonely. Our life was perfect. UntilI got ran over 7 weeks ago. Both of my front legs were broken and facing the wrong way & the skin ripped off of my left leg & the paw on my right. The wonderful vets, nurses & staff have treated me like a king. They have rebuilt my legs. Sewed my bottom hole and tube up when abscesses popped and I literally had poop coming through my skin. I've had skin grafts. Everyone kept saying I wouldn't survive. But here I am. Fighting. Staying alive.
in honor of #throwbackthursday, here’s me... with EARS! well, ear-like protrusions from my purple pate, left over from my FIRST surgery when they had to take out my ear canals. that’s catdad behind me, and we were at the vet to talk about those ears and how they were causing me so. much. pain. we all decided the best thing to do was get rid of ‘em like bad pennies (does anyone still say that? and what made a penny bad anyway? does anyone even USE pennies?) anyway, the ears had to go. and now i’m soooo much happier! and more aerodynamic to boot. (do people still say that? “to boot”? do people even wear boots anymore? or do they mean the trunk of a car?) anyway, hi. p.s. tuna.
“ice ice baby...” wait how the hell did that song go? and who sang it, milli vanilli? vanilla ice? milli ice cream? freddie mercury? i’m so confused! and i’m making my human type this from work where she‘s got headphones on and is listening to the clash’s “london calling” album REALLY REALLY LOUDLY, so all i can think of is jimmy jazz getting lost in the supermarket in his brand new cadillac. come to think of it, the clash are pretty kick-ass. but then, none of this makes ANY sense because i’m deafer than the wood on joe strummer’s guitar! ok that analogy is a stretch, but hey, the lady human is kind of obsessed with joe strummer, i mean have you HEARD his music with the mescaleros? i haven’t. because i’m deaf. but i hear it’s faboo. wait no i don’t. i don’t hear anything. because i’m deaf. SOMEONE MAKE THIS CRAZY TRAIN STOP IN VAIN! see what i did there? huh? didja? #musicnerdjoke #itsbeenalongday #musicmakeseverythingbetter #orsoiassume #iwouldntknow #becauseimdeaf #timeisaflatcircle #hahahahahaha #nomorecoffeeforme
GUYS! MY SOCK CAMPAIGN ENDS TOMORROW (WEDNESDAY) 11/29 AT 9AM EST! Order now! Seriously. Proceeds from every pair go towards helping homeless kitties at @midhudsonanimalaid, the shelter that saved my life. They’ll ship in time for Christmas, so nab these limited-edition “Peace + Love + Cats” socks before it’s too late!! Link is in my bio.
omg the human is batshit crazy someone please rescue me she’s all up in my personal space and she doesn’t even have tuna oh god she’s right behind me isn’t she aaaiiiggghhh! oh wait. she feeds me and stuff. and she scoops my poop. sometimes she even gives me tuna. ugh okay FINE, she can stay. whatEVER. #ilivewithnumnuts #ilivewithagingernumnut #ilivewithagingernut #therefore #allmenaresocrates #syllogism #badsyllogism #badjoke #therefore #allsyllogismsarejokes #ithinkillstophere
sleepy days were meant for sleeping with your sleepy head next to your sleepy sleeping buddy and no sleeping buddy doesn’t sound weird at all why do you say that and why yes i am sleeping with my eyes open no that’s not weird at all there is nothing weird about any of this i’m just sleeping because i’m sleepy oh my god i forgot to use punctuation ugh whatever okay i’m going back to sleep
wanna know what i’m thankful for? not tuna, not daisy, not the humans, i take it back about the tuna because duh i’m thankful for tuna, but what i’m really really thankful for is YOU! thank you for loving special-needs kitties and helping spread the message that we’re even more fabulous than tuna! AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING. happy thanksgiving bishes! or rather, happy #derpsgiving! #misterhumanneedstoworkonhisselfiegame #butillcuthimsomeslack #becausehejustdidallthethanksgivingdishes #andihaveitongoodauthority #thatimaygetsometurkeylater #yeahboi #itainttuna #butilltakeit #mwah
But soft! What tuna through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and tuna is the sun!
Arise, fair tuna, and kill the envious tuna,
Who is already sick and pale with tuna
That thou her tuna art far more fair than she.
Be not her tuna, since she is envious.
Her vestal tuna is but sick and green,
And none but tuna do wear it. Cast it off.
It is my tuna; O, it is my tuna!
O that tuna knew she were!
She speaks, yet tuna says nothing. What of tuna?
Her tuna discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold; 'tis not to tuna she speaks.
Two of the fairest tuna in all the heaven,
Having some tuna, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their tuna till they return.
What if her tuna were there, they in her tuna?
The brightness of her tuna would shame those tuna
As daylight doth a tuna; her tuna in heaven
Would through the airy tuna stream so bright
That tuna would sing and think it were not tuna.
See how tuna leans her cheek upon her hand!
O that I were a tuna upon that hand,
That I might touch that tuna! .
#fin #tunafin #seewhatididthere #shakespeare #romeoandjuliet #odetotuna #tunaislife #tunaislegitaf #ihearttuna #pstuna #tuna
oh... hi there. i didn’t see you come in. have a seat, i’ll be right with you. *HACKS UP HAIRBALL ALL OVER HUMAN’S LEG* much better. yep, that’s about as exciting as it gets around here. sometimes there’s tuna, and sometimes there’s snuggles with daisy (a cat who is also my special ladyfriend), and sometimes i punch floyd in the face (also a cat, but most decidedly not my special ladyfriend, not that there’d be anything wrong with that, because my IG is all about love, because love is love, and that’s all there is to say about that, and if you disagree with that well then you can skedaddle before i punch you in the face too, which i know is kind of antithetical to the whole love thing, but hey, sometimes we have to fight for what we believe in, and i believe in love, and also i believe i can fly.) hi. p.s. tuna.
GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! check it out! i just launched a new sock design called “peace + love + cats,” and they’re only available until 11/29! and check this out! ALL U.S. ORDERS WILL SHIP IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!!! yeah baby! i have to sell a minimum of 15 pairs in order for the socks to get made, but i’m hoping we can blast WAY past that, because all proceeds will go to @midhudsonanimalaid, the shelter that saved my life! woohooo! okay i’m going to stop shouting now! except wait one more thing! go buy socks! they’re super soft! and the sunshiney yellow will warm up the darkest winter days! they’re the cure for your existential ennui! the link is in my bio! share this! aigh! socks! peace! love! cats! *passes out*
omg is that tuna over there? i coulda sworn i smelled some tuna, but i can’t reach it. grrrrrr. a little help here? hello? tuna? yes please? now? what about now? please? etc. etc. ad nauseam until the end of time. #yesihavenoears #ialsohavenobananas #forthoseofyouwhoarenewhere #welcomeandhello #noneedtocommentwithsademojis #iusedtobeinalotofpain #chronicearinfections #butimnotinpainanymore #lifeisawesome #earsareoverrated #andyesiamdeaf #whichmeansidonthavetolistentothehumans #because #ilivewithnumnuts #bahahaha #omgmytoesarefreakishlylong #pawsneedclaws
why, i OTTER be in pictures! this rug has my SEAL of approval! i need to FERRET out the source of that tuna smell! quit MONKEYing around! when a cat has kittens, she has MEERKATs! okay that’s all i’ve got. it’s sunday night and i’m tired. back to you in the studio, nancy. this is eduardo nystagmus shevardnadze, reporting from the humans’ messy bedroom. bonus: swipe left to see me strike a pose. (which is really just me drifting to the side per my aforementioned nystagmus. what am i, the google? look it up.)
gonna spend the day meditating and searching the depths of my soul for a modicum of hope to cope with the dumpster fire that is my country right now. happy sunday! #sticksheadinpaperbag #waitno #breathesintopaperbag #sticksheadinsand #ifistuckmyheadinapaperbag #idbelikethatguyonthegongshow #theunknowncomic #whichhasnothingtodowithanything #wherewerewe #ohyeah #dumpsterfire #help #sos #saveoursouls #comebackbarack #wewerewrong #cantwegivititanothertry #itsnotyouitsus #ohgodwearesofucked #imgladimacat #icansubsistonbugsandgrass #andglobalwarmingwillfeelgoodonmyachingbones #butyouhumans #yeahyallsarescrewed #whichultimatelymeansimscrewedtoo #becauseyouidiotsdomesticatedus #grrrr #mroar #ineedmorecoffee
this is me giving the universe #shade because i have food on my nose and daisy’s asleep so she can’t groom me and the human is taking pictures so she can’t clean me and floyd’s too busy cleaning his own poop chute and norman the turtle swims in his own effluvia and so i am relegated to sitting here ensconced in a sheen of my own crusty decrepitude. but this blanket is soft. so i have that going for me. which is nice. p.s. i miss the fangs that created my #fangholes. (i don’t miss having rotting teeth and painful gum infections, though.) p.p.s. ha you thought i was going to say tuna. oh wait. i just said it. dammit, universe! wait how come there are only seven posts with the hashtag fanghole. isn’t that what you call those little divets in my lips where my fangs used to be? and wait do cats even have lips?
daisy and i did a photo shoot yesterday for the cover of our new emo goth techno black metal album titled “+ÜN@ IN MY .” it’ll be on vinyl only, available on black friday in mosh pits, dank basements, and highway underpass rave dances everywhere. #nowedidntreallycutanalbum #butwelookveryemohere #daisyismylady #myspecialladyfriend #forallyoulittlelebowskisoutthere #ifyoudontgetit #obviouslyyourenotagolfer
“he ain’t heavy, he’s my brotherrrr...” ish. i mean, we’re not from the same litter or anything. but we’re both adopted, which i guess makes pretty boy floyd my brother. even though he’s kind of a jerkwad. but i love him just the same. and he’s a classic tabby, and it’s #tabbytuesday, so i told him i’d post this. he also wants you all to know that he thinks my obsession with tuna is causing stress in our family dynamic. i told him to can it. get it?? CAN it? as in a can of tuna? see what i did there? *unintelligible* floyd just hissed at me. QUIT IT! STOP TOUCHING ME! MOMMMMMM!
hi. that’s all i’ve got. the deep caverns of thought that fill the crevasses of my brain are depleted of anything interesting or useful to say, and the neural pathways that guide sensible ideas from my cranium to your consciousness are as barren as a western byway whose towns have been turned to ghosts after they built the interstate and all the people moved away, hoping for a better future in some faraway land. wow. so, um. yeah. hi. wassup? you like my toebeans or what?
do you have any tuna? do you? do you have tuna? do you have it? do you? i’m looking for some tuna. do you have any? tuna? do you? i need some tuna. please, do you have any? i gotta have some tuna. i gotta. please, do you have any? do you? do you have any tuna? any tuna at all? can you get some tuna for me? just a little? i’ll pay for it. i really need some tuna. please, do you have any tuna? p.s. tuna.