I'm a real woman with real responsibility... this is a look into my life...
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Today marks 1 year since losing you. I never thought that I would know such a pain. I've gone this year never forgetting you and your sisters never forgetting you. I find myself at times not mentioning you because of the pain it brings saying "I have 3 kids", but your big sister Taylor always reminds me "No mommy you have 4 kids, don't forget about Malachi". I put on a smile and tell her thanks but it hurts so much. I feel deep pain that my womb wasn't fit to keep you, that my genes did not make you whole. I'm sorry my stress held you back and inability to handle it all took you away. My heart beats with you in mind sometimes wishing it was me not you. I pray you are watching and know that I love you so much. I LOVE YOU MALACHI! I love you my son! "Lord now I pray give me strength, let me just make it through the day. Let me not feel ashamed of the life growing inside me now because of the life that didnt make it. Cover me with your mercy for I have made mistakes. Take this pain away and make me whole again. I trust in you God and will follow your lead. I am listening, tell me what to do! I need you now Lord. I need to be held God in your arms. Your daughter is slipping away hiding under smiles and giggles, hiding behind volunteer hours and schoolwork. I am alone and overwhelmed I am lost with a light that shines so bright! What do I do and where do I go from here. Please lord heal my heart. In your precious son Jesus name, Amen."
This month is supposed to bring out the thankfulness but it brings back so much pain. I lost my son 2 days before Thanksgiving and felt I had nothing to be thankful for, but I did God answers prayers, and I prayed for a son. And I was blessed with Malachi even if only for a moment. I was able to hold him and carry him in my womb! I am blessed!
Malachi is not forgotten and will forever be apart of this family!