🙋😍🙇💋👣💀...wait what? ED + Anxiety
Also please help this is weird and my @starbucks addiction has reached a weird level. It's not even about the coffee anymore... it's just about the stars... 😍🌟⭐️🌟⭐️😍😥☠️
What at first was a seemingly hilarious and innocuous note from a roommate and good friend is now the horrific foreshadowing of what would become my first real breakdown, one of the most emotionally tumultuous times in my life, and the beginning of the end to my time as a resident of New York City. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself about all the ridiculous and barely believable shit that was about to happen after she left me that note. I wish.
This isn't a very pretty photo but it doesn't really need to be.
Last night I had a very serious and much needed wake up call. My boyfriend was talking about leaving me. My life had been falling apart more and more severely for months. My eating disorder has been running my thoughts and me. I couldn't remember who I was. I wanted to die.
And then, somehow, I woke up. The me who is not my eating disorder finally took back over. I looked very hard at the choices I had been making, the lies I had been unintentionally telling myself and everyone else. For so long I told myself I could have my eating disorder AND my life. But I can't; no one can. It's all or nothing, it's my eating disorder OR my life - one can never have both. And I realized all I would be giving up if I chose bulimia over my boyfriend, my acting, my future.
So I chose life. And this morning I made and ate breakfast for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm not quite following the exchanges I received in treatment (tbh I lost all my pages of info including my exchanges and snack and meal suggestions from ERC some time last year) but today this is enough. It's a start. Living half inside my eating disorder didn't work; living completely in it sure didn't work either. I never really tried to apply the things I learned in treatment to my life in the real world. It's time for a change now. It's time to really try.
It's time to choose me.
#eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #bulimia #anorexia #bulimiarecovery #edfam #edwarrior #edfighter #edsoldier #recoverywin #breakfast #eattolive #loveyourself #bodypositive