🙋😍🙇💋👣💀...wait what? ED + Anxiety
Also please help this is weird and my @starbucks addiction has reached a weird level. It's not even about the coffee anymore... it's just about the stars... 😍🌟⭐️🌟⭐️😍😥☠️
What at first was a seemingly hilarious and innocuous note from a roommate and good friend is now the horrific foreshadowing of what would become my first real breakdown, one of the most emotionally tumultuous times in my life, and the beginning of the end to my time as a resident of New York City. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself about all the ridiculous and barely believable shit that was about to happen after she left me that note. I wish.
This isn't a very pretty photo but it doesn't really need to be.
Last night I had a very serious and much needed wake up call. My boyfriend was talking about leaving me. My life had been falling apart more and more severely for months. My eating disorder has been running my thoughts and me. I couldn't remember who I was. I wanted to die.
And then, somehow, I woke up. The me who is not my eating disorder finally took back over. I looked very hard at the choices I had been making, the lies I had been unintentionally telling myself and everyone else. For so long I told myself I could have my eating disorder AND my life. But I can't; no one can. It's all or nothing, it's my eating disorder OR my life - one can never have both. And I realized all I would be giving up if I chose bulimia over my boyfriend, my acting, my future.
So I chose life. And this morning I made and ate breakfast for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm not quite following the exchanges I received in treatment (tbh I lost all my pages of info including my exchanges and snack and meal suggestions from ERC some time last year) but today this is enough. It's a start. Living half inside my eating disorder didn't work; living completely in it sure didn't work either. I never really tried to apply the things I learned in treatment to my life in the real world. It's time for a change now. It's time to really try.
It's time to choose me.
#eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #bulimia #anorexia #bulimiarecovery #edfam #edwarrior #edfighter #edsoldier #recoverywin #breakfast #eattolive #loveyourself #bodypositive
Five years, three months, and twenty five days ago I met this dude from the internet. On our first date we ate terrible fake asian food and he carved me a Halloween pumpkin.
And then two weeks later he broke it off and I super hated him. But mostly I really liked him and was just super sad about it. I thought about him a bunch and like kinda stalked him real chill like bc I'm just a little crazy. But then I moved away and lots of other things happened and I never really forgot him, but I almost totally let him go.
And then one day in March of 2016, he showed up in my People Nearby. And a couple weeks later we met up to hang out. And I never left, because like I said, I'm just a little bit crazy. But also grateful and very much in love.
Today is his birthday. He's 32 whole years old! And I'm so very glad he was born, even before I was, so that one day many years later we would meet in a weird awful restaurant that closed and is now a mattress store and eat really gross tasting noodles and then watch Twilight while making horrible jokes about it and... well... fall in love.
Happy birthday, George. You are my favorite. ❤
George got Eugenia for me back in June of last year. She was beautiful, but eventually her blossoms fell and I tried to throw her away (😱). George said no; that she wasn't dead like I thought, that she was still alive and thriving and if we kept her safe and warm and sunny that some day she would put out new flowers for us. For a long time she looked really weird but I loved her anyway. I talked to her every day while I did the dishes, and splashed little water droplets at her outside roots because I really don't understand how orchids work...
And then it happened! Eugenia's been working super hard for over a month now growing buds that opened slowly slowly slowly until yesterday the last one bloomed. She is magnificent - and to think I never would have gotten to see it if not for George. ❤💐❤ .
#thelittlethings #orchid #eugenia #flowers #storytime #lovemakestheflowersgrow #alsoscience
Since I'm pretty much constantly living in the Caution/Danger zones, I found this interesting to see and realize that like yeah, my state of being isn't as ok as I thought. Be safe and love yourself this year. ❤️
#eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #anoreixa #bulimia #bodyimage #loveyourself #recoveryisworthit