Ephesians 4:2,3. • // Z R T K \\ • Sophie Rose YouTube down below 🌹
So, a year ago today. I wouldn't of in a million years seen myself in the biggest city in New Zealand, one of the youngest in my class, and studying a contemporary music performance certificate. A year ago today, I went through with one of the most selfish actions I could've taken. I made the conscious decision to attempt to take my own life. To me I felt as though it was selfish, because there were people that loved me through absolutely everything, and I would've hurt them beyond imaginable if I didn't pick up that phone and ring my mum. On this day last year I put a face on of untrue happiness. I planned it on the Friday night as I was doing my part time shift at work. I packed my Nike back pack, the same one I took to school and packed it with a full prescription of nurofen and a full 1 litre water bottle, my wallet, my headphones and my phone. I took my god awful yellow scooter in the pouring rain and drove it to back beach, I parked in a car park a little walk away from where I was planning to go hoping that no one would see it. I wrote a note after turning the ignition off and placed it inside the seat pocket, I can't remember what it said. I walked for a little while, through the bushes and down by paritutu. I didn't want to play my music just yet, I continued walking and tried to make sure I wasn't seen. I went a little further than the car park and found the bench I'd always used to sit at, my best friend showed me that little seat. Teia that's you. I didn't want to sit on the bench afraid that I would be seen and questioned as it was pouring down with rain on a Sunday evening. I hid in the bush just behind the bench, drenched already and holding my back pack for comfort. I sat there and cried. Turned on my music and cried even more not knowing if it was rain or tears on my face. But both. I sat there for about three hours talking myself in and out of it, I turned my music off and steadily started opening my bag with freezing hands that barely moved, I took one tablet at a time making sure it went down. I took 40 pills that night. I remember feeling dizzy about a half hour later looking up to the stars. I changed my mind, filled with absolute regret...
It's difficult having a Dad who's half there half not. It makes it all the more difficult when there's mental illness in the picture. It's hard knowing someone you love is lost within themselves and has gotten so lost to the point where they refuse to help them self anymore. It's hard not knowing some days who you're talking to, but the shell is all you recognise of that person now. Along with depression and anxiety I would like to shed some light on schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders. A goal of mine is to help those suffering from mental illness' as I feel it is extremely overlooked in Aotearoa. Growing up with a dad with multiple personalities is extremely difficult, it's almost like grieving over someone who is actually still alive. Through all of the hatred and past trauma we have both been through, I still love him, and deep down I know he loves me too. One day I hope he gets the help he needs, but until then, I hope you enjoy your late Father's Day dad 💭
Sometimes I complain about having to go to a night rehearsal, but then it's moments like this where I kick myself in the ass for thinking that. Because this is my passion, moments like this make me so damn happy. Touring around Auckland next week with this sassy band is going to be incredible 🤘🏼
One of the hardest things I've ever had to do, was grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. I want to change how everything has been, to inspire, but I need inspiring myself, god knows what from. I'm so blessed with my partner and best friends, yet I still get my head stuck in the negative thought of the distance. All though it's hard I'm still going and I guess I should focus on that instead. So I will, someone always has it worse, some people are lucky enough to spend every day together! Some live across the world from the one they love, I'm grateful that I'm just a flight away. Don't forget to be grateful for what you do have in your life, the would haves and could haves SHOULD HAVE if it was meant to be, I'm happier than ever, there will always be obstacles in the way but I've always enjoyed a challenge, and I cannot wait till the day where I don't have to be 75 years away from the ones I love. Even if a few things seem very very shitty in your life right now, remember the things you're thankful for, you're more blessed than you may think 🌻
I literally cannot find any good photos of us anymore! So here's a tb to a half decent photo so I can say that I miss you dearly, 1 day wasn't enough time with you, and never will be, and I love you v much, someone bless her with a man because this bitch right here deserves it more than anyone Q